Comes With Sprinkles

Because everything is better with sprinkles

A Leopard And His Spots

I’ve long thought that if I could just change myself, I’d be happier. If I was just thinner, if I was just prettier – smarter – more outgoing, I’d be pretty rocking. Twice in the last month and a bit, in books by two different authors (though right at this moment I can’t recall the first one), I’ve read that you can’t change who you are at the core. You can only change how you act.

I keep running that through my head. Isn’t changing how you act, changing how you are, though? Or are you just hiding who you are inside? Do you think that true complete change is possible? Because I don’t know. I know that thoughts jump into my head and I haven’t the faintest idea of how to make them go away once they’re there. I think judgmental thoughts about people I’ve just met. I am not a very nice person inside. A lot of my kindness is merely tolerance masked. Can I actually change that? Could I alter my very thoughts before I’ve thought them?

Can you strip the leopard of his spots? Morph them into stripes instead? Or is a leopard always spotted, no matter how hard she tries not to be?

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Blues & Bowling

I love bowling. I am absolutely terrible at it. I’m ecstatic if I break 100, but I just love it. It’s something about that atmosphere and that scene that just makes me smile.

I went out tonight with some friends from my last job and it was so good to see them again. I really had the best training class in the world and I was so fortunate to have these girls there with me that even now, nearly two years later, we can say that we’re going home and wind up standing outside the bowling alley in freezing cold weather talking for another 45 minutes.

Depression is a funny thing. I can be amazingly happy and feeling high one moment and then I get home and it takes nothing, nothing at all, and then I’m just down. Like right now. I had a great night and a decent (albeit stressful) day at work and right now I just feel beat down. I feel tired and sore and just… kicked. I wish I could make it go away.

Ha, this isn’t even at all where I meant to go with this post, but hey, I guess that’s what happens when I try to post every day and don’t set up posts with any intention at all. There you have it. Me in a nutshell. Random and depressed.

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Miss Blogs A Lot

So I had this crazy idea that I was going to do both NaBloPoMo and NaNoWriMo this year. That is, blog every day in November and write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. To summarize, I was going to write a shit load of words this month.

Then November 1st happened. And then all of a sudden it was November 2nd and, uhm, I didn’t blog and also didn’t write even a paragraph of a novel so we’ll just say that we’re off to a rather poor start. Perhaps I will blog until December 2nd then.

I’ve been finding myself sorely lacking in motivation lately. I’m short-tempered and irritable. I usually am a pretty humorous gal, but my humor seems to have fled the building these days. I’m snapping at Ana at the slightest provocation. As I type this I’m feeling guilty as I listen to her cry after I just screamed my head off at her for refusing to just be quiet and go to sleep. But seriously. Just BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP. After I say it for the fifth or sixth time I just lose my mind, I swear.

I am a bit shaky. I don’t really have a reason for it. I just started a new job and while I always find a new job stressful (the rollercoaster of feeling like you’ve got it all down pat and then the plummet when you think you have not a freaking clue as to what you’re doing) it hasn’t been that awful. I have definitely had more stressful first weeks.

My relationship is actually doing well. For the first time in a few years we’re actually in a very good place. It’s actually quite nice to not be days away from filing for divorce for a change.

So why the eff am I so damn depressed?

Maybe if I actually write some of this out, a little every day in November, I’ll sort this out.

And that, I suppose, was my convoluted way of saying that I’m going to try to blog a lot more. It’s going to be a lot of personal stuff. It’s probably going to be downright depressing some days. A lot of days. But you know what? That’s okay. Because right now that’s me.

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